


As You Wish

by DragonWannabe



Series: Jötunn Loki [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bruce Banner isn't that kind of doctor 2k15, But he Could be in a pinch, Dont read if youre looking for Stucky bc it's just mentioned in passing, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Humiliation, Implied Rape/Non-con, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, Internalized Misogyny, Internalized racism, Intersex Loki, It is the story of Sleipnir so it might be considered Dub-Con but better to be safe, Jötunn Loki, Loki-centric, Menstrual Cycles, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, idk maybe embarrassment is a better word, like maybe one hundred words, this is is the worst thing I have ever written including poetry from fourth grade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-16
Updated: 2014-10-16
Packaged: 2018-02-21 07:06:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2459285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonWannabe/pseuds/DragonWannabe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The next time Loki turned into a creature, it was an accident and no one was sure how to fix it.</p><p>Or:</p><p>Loki has to come to term with the fact that he's not who he thought.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As You Wish

**Author's Note:**

> No copyright infringement was intended, and all of the characters belong to Marvel. I am making no money from the creation of this work.
> 
> This is un-beta'd, so if you see any mistakes, please tell me.
> 
> Please do not copy/repost without asking me for permission. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> (If at any point this becomes ridiculously OOC please let me know and I'll do what I can to change it)

The next time Loki turned into a creature, it was an accident and no one was sure how to fix it. Giving him permission to change didn't help and ordering his magic go change him back into one of the Æsir did nothing but make Loki sick with the feeling of his magic trying to move but being held back and when the god gained a sheen of sweat on his face they stopped and simply changed the controls in his room. 

Loki covered all of the mirrors in his room, avoided the windows when the sun was just so he could see his reflection. He specifically avoided actually looking at the stainless steel kitchen appliances. He did not allow Thor to talk to him, preferring to lock himself in his room and stare at the wall. Banner visited him occasionally and the captain checked on him as often as normal, but was visibly deterred by the cold, stopping at the threshold of the door. 

Loki stopped changing his clothes in the bedroom; he knew there were recording cameras in there, although he knew not where, and he refused to allow them to see him shame. 

To see his scars and blue skin and red eyes and his mutilated genitalia. 

They allowed him to see the results of the tests they performed, and he learned that he had silver based blood, a phenomena that the scientists were interested in exploring further. Loki could do little more than curl his lip in disgust; he wasn't much more than an interesting study, a rare scientific find, and the scientists continued to ignore the real beast that they had in front of them. Loki was certain that they would rather imprison him for life in order to dissect him than put him down. 

It was not as though Loki didn't deserve to be cut open and inspected. He was a nasty freak, the Jötnar did not want him, and the Æsir did not want him and the Misgardians did not want him as anything other than a test subject. 

§

He could remember once, in his youth, when a Jötun had made its way into Asgard. 

_The intruder was brought before the All Father and forced to its knees. Loki watched from behind his father's throne, watched as the guards grumbled about the unnecessary ordeal being put before them and how they needed to question the animal and then dispose of it._

_The Jötun had large discolorations all along its side, and every breath it took made it almost flinch. Its hair hung long in complicated knots over its face._

_When Odin asked for why the Jötun was here, if it had nefarious purposes, was it aware of what it had done, trespassing into the Golden Realm and tainting it with the cold and lifelessness of Jötunheimr, the thing started to shake. The guards in charge of moving the prisoner made to kick the thing into compliance, and despite the fact it was one and a half times their height, surely had the physical advantage, it cringed._

_Loki remembered feeling pity for the thing, a pathetic wretch terrified of being beaten. Incapable of honor._

_When it opened its mouth, its voice made grotesque sounds, low and gravely as it tried to plead its case in broken speech, its grammar faulty._

_"I not... ahm not meh-ent tah be hahre. Ack-ackcident." It stuttered._

_"You are welcome to speak your native tongue. I am able to understand you no matter what language you speak." The All Father said almost gently._

_The kneeling figure swallowed once before reopening its mouth. "I was exploring the rocky crevices around my home and one of them did not have an end and when I emerged on the other side I was here. I do not know how I am here and I wish to go back." It stared back at the ground, the shaking not yet finished although it was much less pronounced than before. It finished, "Your Honor."_

_The guards shifted uneasily, for they did not possess the all-speak and to them it must have sounded rather frightening._

_Loki could sense that it was not lying, that it was truly confused as to why It was here and not back on its barren realm._

_"Do you have a name?" The All Father inquired._

_"Beinvid." came the reply._

_"Beinvid. You will spend two weeks in our prisons as for punishment for not returning to your realm the way you entered. After these two weeks you will be escorted back to Jötunheimr and you will show how you reached Asgard. If you are found showing any one else this pathway, you will be sentenced to death for threats to Asgard. Do you understand?"_

_"Yes, I understand, All Father."_

_Loki watched as a spear was aimed at the giant's back, threatening it to disobey once. He watched as it was taken from the room._

_The next time he saw the giant, on its return trip to Jötunheimr, he pointedly did not notice the dried blood caked onto its body nor the way it could barely stand._

§

He could change back to the Æsir form for minutes at a time. Once his magic was sealed off again the blue consumed his body. 

Loki had to stop because the crushing disappointment made him sick and Thor (the insufferable _ass_ ) forbade him from continuing to try. 

§

His rooms at the tower could only go down to forty five degrees before they would begin to interfere with the other areas in the building. That was cold enough he did not have any desire to rip off his skin just to lose heat, but it was too warm to be comfortable with a shirt on. 

He made do. 

§

The fact that Stark thought he could help fix this problem was laughable. Loki was one of, if not the most, experienced sorcerer in the realms. He knew his own seiðr inside and out. Or did. All he knew now was that his magic no longer wanted to obey him, would rather show his base nature to everyone. 

§

No one would have known about his shame if the matter had been solved within three months. But it was not fixed and it was discovered that he had both sexes. 

Loki should not have bled. He was not capable of carrying children, could not be capable of carrying children in his own body was not a woman he was not _this_. 

When he woke there was a wetness between his legs and when he made to check it was black and partially dried down his thighs and Loki thought he would be sick. The sheets of his bed were spotted with blood and Loki tried to not let the camera see but it was too late. 

When Banner arrived to question him, Loki was trying to get the blood off. He tried getting rid of his clothes but without his magic and having his movements restricted in the tower there was no where for the ruined clothing to go. 

Banner knocked on the door. "Loki? Is it all right if I come in?"

"Ah… a few minutes." The scrubbing against his legs increased, making them nearly purple in an effort to remove the dried liquid. 

He toweled himself off, horrified that he was still bleeding still leaking still an animal. He grabbed toilet paper and placed it where he was sure the blood was exiting from. Loki quickly dressed himself, both wanting to hurry up this discussion and avoid it at the same time. 

Banner was outside his room, sitting on the ground. When Loki opened the door he stood up. The floor was warmer than his room, but cooler than the glass containment unit. 

"Do you want to go back inside there or would you rather talk out here?" 

"Come inside." It would not do for anyone other than the doctor to over hear his shame. 

He turned inside and Banner followed him. The other man glanced at the stripped bed, the faint stain in the middle, then to the pile of sheets on the floor. 

"Loki, I know you would rather not tell me, but JARVIS said there was a lot of blood this morning. And I need to know if you've been hurting yourself because of your situation." Banner gave a small apologetic smile. "If you are, please tell me."

Loki sat in the only chair in the room and stared at the spot just to the left of the physicists head. "Rest assured, Doctor Banner, the bleeding is entirely natural, although I am not completely certain when it will happen again."

"What do you mean?" 

Loki closed his eyes, "I mean that I have become a woman. Started my monthly. Mine may not be a monthly occurrence though. Æsir have one every year. And Asgard has a favorable climate. Jötunheimr is damn near inhospitable, even for a Jötun beast."

"Your last physical said you were a man. Unless this is a new discovery of yourself?" Banner ignored the beast comment.

"The Jötnar are able to both sire and bear children. At least, that's what my physiology tells me." He could feel his cheeks heat with black sludge.

"Were you ever going to tell us?" Banner asked, almost-anger, definitely-irritation coloring his tone. 

"No." He opened his eyes. "Do not tell Thor. I do not wish to be thought of as an ergi." No matter that his magic already proclaimed him so, but now the insult rang true. And the man who had always defended him would realize that all he had done was in vain and Loki did not want to face that. 

"A what?" Loki opened his eyes, noting the look of confusion on the doctor's face. 

"An ergi. A magic user, a womanly man, a weak man, someone who allows another man to take his pleasure from their body." Loki's voice rose as he continued his statement. "Every humiliating, shameful thing I am. An argr frost giant." Loki spit, before realizing exactly what he said to the doctor, admitting that he was a disgusting ergi and the man would have every right to tell Thor, his keeper, would have every right to tell Thor all the defending he did in their youth was for naught because it was all true. 

"You're not a shame or a humiliation. Being interested in men is completely normal. And your magic is just as useful, if not more so, as your hand to hand combat." Banner acted like he did not just give the most shameful secrets away. "And what you said earlier. You're starting your menstrual cycle? I'll get you some supplies to help from staining all of your clothes with blood. And if I ask Jarvis nicely he won't even tell Tony."

Loki nodded absently, his attention in the horrifying things he revealed and not on the doctor. Banner left the room and more than anything Loki wished he had control of his magic to destroy something. 

§

Banner brought him sanitary products to keep his blood off the sheets and his undergarments. 

Some of the packages came with notes saying that Romanoff approved of these. 

§

Banner knew of his sexual exploits. 

Banner knew that he allowed another man to take him. 

Banner knew that he was two-sexed. 

Banner said it was normal to be interested in men (but he wasn't interested in men he was interested in women he was interested in anyone who wouldn't turn their nose up at his company because he was not like Thor). 

Banner did not care about any of that only focusing on the things Loki had done. 

§

Loki expected a physical to be conducted long before he told the doctor of his unique situation. 

They followed what the original scientists said up until this point. 

That it was only requested after was a courtesy Loki was grateful for. That he could choose to say no was something he could not exercise lest his not brother interfere. 

§

The doctor drew blood, listened to his heart, checked his eyes.

He looked apologetic as he asked Loki to strip to his underclothes in order to finish the physical. 

Loki did not understand why the physicist felt anything close to pity when dealing with him. Any pain he deserved, for being a Jötun, for killing people without remorse on Midgard, for committing treason against Asgard. 

Banner wouldn't have looked apologetic if Loki had still been a man completely and fully and for that he filled with shame. 

§

Odin visited the younger prince while he was still in his blue form. 

Loki had not been outside helping to defeat villains, and Odin could not see him with his ravens. 

He looked surprised to see Loki like this. 

§

Loki was restrained when he and Odin were in the same room. He didn't have any magic and did not see the point of the restraints until he remembered the last time they were together he had tried to kill the man with his bare hands. 

"Your magic shattered." Loki stated. 

"You weakened it first." Odin replied softly. 

"They forced me into this shape the first time and this current time I woke and was turned into a foul creature." Loki clicked his nails, "Fix it."

"I believe spending more time as your true self could only help you."

"If you will not make me as I was, make me so I am not so sensitive to heat. None of the other inhabitants can tolerate the temperature which is only just cool enough." _Click._

The All Father deliberated. "Very well. Before I leave I will make it so that as long as you are in this form, you can tolerate the heat as you would normally." 

Loki tried to ignore him as he gave the news of Asgard. 

§

Odin had made his internal temperature normal and was about to leave when a question that had niggled the back of his mind. 

"All Father, the Jötun that accidentally made its way into Asgard when I was younger, Beinvid. Was it tortured or did the prisoners that shared its cell learn that it would be simple to completely debase the creature by harassing it over and over again for two weeks?" Loki knew how the majority of prisoners would have reacted if they learned that they would share space with a Jötunn. 

"He was… interrogated by the guards in order to dissuade him from ever wishing to return." 

Other than his heritage, Loki knew when he was being lied to.

Once Odin left, Loki walked down into Banner's lab and ignored the sick feeling in his stomach. 

§

Loki started venturing out of his room more, now that it wasn't so cursedly hot. 

Barton tried to avoid him and Romanoff followed his lead. The captain tried to include Loki in things like dinner, but Loki only ate cold fish and found it difficult to stomach the smell of warm meals. 

Stark continued to study his magic, along with Thor's woman and Banner. 

§

The first time he met the green beast in his blue form he flinched any time it moved. 

The tensions eventually came to a head when Barton grabbed Loki and introduced him to the Hulk. 

Loki prepared himself for an onslaught of pain, agony he earned, had no right to avoid and as a large green hand moved toward his face he stiffened and tried not to show his terror. 

His magic screamed at the bonds surrounding him, telling him to disappear to freeze the monster to do anything other than just stand there and take it. 

The Hulk petted him like he was an animal and Barton laughed himself sick. 

§

Loki learned of more intricate ways to braid his hair. He did not wish to cut it short, and it grew so slow anyway that keeping it neatly plaited kept it knot free and let it grow in impeded. 

§

The captain brought his broken friend back to the tower. At first Loki avoided him, there was no need to pollute the already unstable Barnes with his own monsters. 

Until they learned that being cold tended to calm Barnes down. Then Barnes consented to being around Loki in order to keep the rest of the inhabitant safe. Loki had superior strength, had a calming affect, and if all else failed they could call in Rogers. 

Loki stayed with Barnes throughout the healing process and became quite fond of the shattered man. 

§

"You don't have to be around Loki if you don't want to, Buck. I know that the cold might bring back some bad memories. We could always find another solution." _Instead of having you associate with an animal_ , Loki's mind filled in. 

"S'fine, Stevie. I don't mind. You said Wilson thought that facing fear would be good for me. I trust you and you believe in him."

Barnes had every right to be scared of Loki. He was what was wrong with all of the realms. 

§

Barnes enjoyed reading books. They allowed him to immerse himself in something that wasn't happening now. They kept him from becoming lost in the past. 

Spending time with Loki inspired the assassin to read the Eddas.

§

"I don't read very well, and I know I won't be able to pronounce these names."

"I raised three children thus far. One was quite literally a wolf, another loved 'horse play' and the third rules over Hell. You will not irritate me as much as the pup did."

§

"You actually fucked a horse?" Barnes' incredulous voiced filled the room. 

Loki looked up from his runes, "Not willingly."

"But you had a kid that was like Octo-Horse?" Barnes pressed. 

"Sleipnir is my greatest pride and my greatest shame." Loki gave a small, pained smile. Or was his greatest shame. Before he knew. 

Now that he thought about it, it was should have been no surprise to Odin when the younger prince fell with child. 

§

"You put Thor into a dress?" Barnes started laughing. 

"At the time it was not nearly so funny. I was almost killed." Loki grinned, "Thor was a truly hideous woman. The veil was magic and kept the Giants from seeing his face very well."

§

"When were you born?"

"I am about eleven hundred of your years."

James blinked. "I thought Steve and I were old."

"The Odinson is approximately two hundred of your years older than me."

§

Rogers asked him how his friend was doing. 

"He is reading what insipid, barbaric mortals thought of my life. He eats as often as I eat, at least once a day. James sometimes even tells me things he thinks he can remember about the life the two of you shared." Loki blushed, thinking of the confessions the mortal told him. He was a mortal and therefore did not have to follow the same standards. Loki adopted a softer tone, "Tell the poor idiot that you still care for him more than a friend. I believe Barton's dog can tell the feelings the two of you share. You should both be dead, many times over from the way you have lived your lives. Do not waste this opportunity."

Rogers gaped like a fish before he turned and walked off. 

§

If the frustration built up to be too much, if he had to release his magic, Loki went to Stark. 

The inventor knew what it was like to have too much energy and no where to put it. He regularly destroyed a room with the iron man suit for the fun of it. 

Loki just needed a small magical explosion. He would rig the spell to not affect the structure of the building. It would only crumble bricks inside a ten foot radius. 

More often than not he used the Hulk's training room. It was large and airy, and big enough that Loki wouldn't risk accidentally damaging the tower. It was designed to take large amounts of damage. 

Stark stood out side, gave the all clear and the figurative chains slithered away and all the tension built up and up and up before releasing a cloud of brick dust. 

The magic dampeners slid back into place and Loki almost staggered from the disorienting feel. 

Stark allowed him to stretch his magic again in an effort to clean up his mess. 

The inventor claimed that he used the outbursts to study Loki's magic, but the trickster thought what motivated him the most was pity. 

§

Loki ignored Thor when he mentioned the sudden increase in dust in his rooms. 

He also ignored James when he started coughing from inhaling too fast in an attempt to not laugh. 

§

The form disappeared soon after his second menstrual cycle, nine months into the whole ordeal. 

Loki approached the problem differently than he had before. Before, when his magic was sealed the disguise vanished. Even with explicit permission to continue his Æsir form, the moment the magic sealed itself inside, he turned back into a thing. 

He nicked a knife from James and stored it in his room while he designed the sigils to change him back. 

§

"Captain?"

"My name is Steve. Rogers if you want. We're not on duty right now."

"I am your prisoner, not your honored guest."

"So, what did you want?"

"I need access to my magic. Unsupervised."

"Loki… I can't. You know I can't do that."

"It is to change back to my Æsir form. I wish to do it in private."

"I can't leave you alone while you do it. You said it yourself, you're a prisoner."

"Do you swear not to interfere?"

"Why would I need to interfere? Loki, what are you planning to do?"

"Nothing that will harm a person. This I can promise you."

"Then no, I won't interfere. But I do have to watch you do… whatever it is that you actually do."

§

"Loki. Why do you have a knife? Loki? Loki! JARVIS, call S—"

"You said you would not interfere, _Steve._ Do you really go back on your word that quickly?"

"You said you weren't going to hurt anybody!"

"No _person_ is being harmed. A _person_ does not have this unnatural color of skin. A _person_ does not bleed black! I did not lie, Captain, despite the moniker you mortals have gifted me with. Now shut up and let me work."

"Is this so you can look like you did before?"

"Shut _up_!"

"You don't have to do this there's nothing wrong with the way you are now! You're helping people like this."

"I discussed it with James. He does not mind the loss of his personal air conditioning factory."

"You don't have to _cut_ things into your _skin_ —!"

" _Shut up_!"

§

A small trickle of _red_ blood slipped down his leg. 

He cleaned the knife of the foul black substance coating it before giving it back to the captain. 

"This belong to James. I regret taking it but," He smiled, "I needed it."

"Do you need to see Bruce?" The horrified look hadn't yet left the blond's face. 

"It is much too late to bother Doctor Banner now. Say that I cannot use any magic." If it didn't work Loki didn't think he had it in him to try again. 

The captain gave him an odd look, "Loki, no magic."

Nothing happened. Loki's lips stretched into a grin, "I am off to go sleep. Runes are absolutely exhausting to use."

§

Once he awoke he found Banner waiting for him in the kitchen. 

"Steve told me." Banner spoke after watching Loki search for a piece of unbruised fruit. 

"I would have been surprised if he had not told you." Loki stopped searching after he realized that continuing to look for an unbruised piece would be a fruitless endeavor. 

"I am not this type of doctor. I was a makeshift volunteer in Brazil and India. I am not a therapist, I'm not even a general physician." 

"Then why do you do it?"

"Because Tony won't see a real doctor, Clint and Natasha are _spies_ and they used to trust SHIELD, but SHIELD turned out to be infiltrated by the same group our _genetically modified super soldiers_ fought in the forties. An organization that might not be dead even now and would kill for even a drop of their blood. You and Thor are _aliens_ and the two of you are different species. I can't let anyone get ahold of my bodily fluids because I am so infested with gamma radiation that merely swallowing my blood creates monsters that can destroy entire cities!" Banner's eyes flashed green for a second before he returned to breathing a bit heavier than normal. "Do you understand why I am a live in doctor now? A doctor whose experience is pretty limited. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when Bucky doesn't remember who he is if he happens to see my lab and he becomes mindless. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when Tony can't sleep because all he can smell is the goddamn desert even though I can relate to that one! I sure as hell don't know what to do when presented with an entirely new species who thinks it's okay to destroy a city, then comes back to the same city for reparations, turns into another species, and thinks that it's all right if they just carve things into their skin as long as it makes them like they were 'normal'."

"I could not tolerate being an animal any longer, Doctor." Loki said quietly. 

"I get that." He leaned forward, " _I get that_. I've tried everything to get rid of the Other Guy. I shot myself in the head to get rid of him and it never worked. He's still here, probably will always be here until I die and people are still terrified when they see me and realize who I am." 

"The entirety of the Æsir thinks I am a monster because I turn blue and grow a cunt. I have known what foul creatures the Jötnar were since I was a babe. As I aged every one else seemed to know what I was and treated me like it except for my mo-- Frigga and Thor. It did not matter how useful my spells were, it was a cowardly was to fight. It did not matter that it was _Odin's_ fault Sleipnir was born, I was the one who endured the trials of carrying him to term and nursing him and making sure he was happy. I was the one who was ridiculed and taunted because I had let myself become with child!" Loki ignored the moisture in his eyes and spoke softer, "Excuse me if I did not wish to continue in that form by any means necessary."

"Are the cuts healed at least?"

"No. They must scar in order for me to keep this body." 

"So you're reopening them?" Banner's voice rose. 

"No. They simply are healing at a mortal rate. They are deep enough that they will scar, picking at the scabs will not be required."

"Let me put a bandage over it. It'll make me feel better."

"As you wish, Doctor."

**Author's Note:**

> Come find me at wintersoldger.tumblr.com


End file.
